Mild-mannered types happy to simper, “Oh yes, it’s delicious, thank you,” as they miserably chew stony, desiccated roast potatoes, or a yorkshire pudding with the texture of a duvet, need not apply. You need a warrior to go into battle and ask (politely) for more of it, or indeed anything. You need someone who’ll brave the truth: there’s never enough gravy. Or at least doesn’t read it out like they’re announcing the lottery numbers.
Anyone can nod while their date unloads a forensic rundown of every grievance they’ve had since graduation, but are they listening? Smoking should only be done glamorously, at will readings or during multimillion-dollar jewellery heists, or wretchedly, in Paris, lamenting an extramarital bunk-up – so let’s have none of that. Pleasant, non-honking breath that shows they’re intimate with their toothbrush and that they care about how they’re perceived, not just the faux minty tang from a hastily sucked Polo seconds before arrival. They should dress for the date as if they mean business. Playing it cool is so boring, so over, such a cliche. This always applies, actually – whether first laying eyes on you sauntering into the bar, or 10 years later, in the car park, in sideways rain, with 10 carrier bags, your face longer than the queues for the toilets at Latitude. Just think: long-distance lovers might bring you something interesting from the big Robert Dyas in their town. An open mind is good, too: according to dating app Bumble, a third of its users are more open to travel and start a relationship with people from different places – a sign its criteria aren’t ridiculously prescriptive.
Images should be super-fresh – no decades-old selfies snapped in smeared bathroom mirrors, and no photos with exes. The biggest green flag on someone’s dating profile is variety: plenty of pictures with friends, family – maybe even pets – so you can get a handle on who they are and how you could fit into their life (and also whether they have any good-looking friends who might suit you better).
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